Life is full of emotions. I am a person who feels all the things. I take life by the horns and often take matters into my own hands. I make things happen. I have been accused of being a mover and a shaker. Some of the favorites I have been called over the years are intense, determined, enthusiastic, and organized. I am so proud of who and how I am. I am a pull yourself up by your bootstrap’s kind of girl. I believe that we can control or destiny and that we are solely in charge of making sure our life is what we want it to be. If you want a change, you are the force that can change it. I also know that your thinking will alter your destiny.
For the past three years, I have been focused on making sure that if I am not around things can continue. I have been focused on life insurance, paying down bills, and making sure that my family has the knowledge to take care of themselves. One time during that time I made plans for a vacation and we even rented an air b and b. My scans weren’t good and I ended up cancelling because I was in surgery. I wonder every day how much longer things will continue. I wonder with each itch or each time my vision is off, if the cancer is back. I have not made any plans for the future. I haven’t purchased anything that will need to be paid for later out of money that my family might need.
I am an optimist. I am not a worrier. I am a planner. I plan things out and include the fine details. I have made zero plans for my future that weren’t between scans. Meaning if they were going to happen after scans then I had a plan to jump ship if I needed to. I am scared to buy a plane ticket. What if I can’t use it because things go south. When you have head and neck cancer south happens in such a hurry. When my scans have been bad, I have been in surgery within a week or two and started radiation four weeks after. My family has had to completely let go of all plans and expectations at least four different times and be ready for a new course. When these things have happened, I was less than 12 weeks from the good scans. In less than three months the cancer went from zero to sixty.
I have lived the last three years in fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of the next scans, fear of the latest itch in my head, or fogginess in my vision, fear of the common cold or slight head ache. I have been completely determined to survive, but lived in fear that I wouldn’t.
This week I did a thing! I purchased a weanling filly. Each member of my family purchased a filly. I was not going to purchase one. I can’t ride a young horse. I am not the horse girl I once was. My family doesn’t have time to take care of a filly that I buy and can’t ride. I did it anyway. I purchased the weanling for the future. Because in the future, I need her. I also need her now. I need her to want to get out and be with my kids, but also have my own project that I can handle. I might be able to ride her someday, but if not, I am going to need her to raise some young horses that I can play with. I am going to need to get back to doing the things I love no matter what capacity that is. I named her Edge. She is a symbol of edging forward. I am taking my life back. I have to quit living in fear and start living my life. If may look different. Being a horse girl may not mean riding the spirited horse and giving the kids the good one. Right now, I will ride the old reliable and play with the babies. I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I am getting more confident that I will be here to see it through! I am thankful for my life and that I am still here to live it.